After eight seasons, a beer-shaped hot-air balloon, an extremely persistent alligator, good and evil twins (Emile and Josiah), a serial killer-slash-cult leader (Teddy), two John Dories, a soapy “My sister is my daughter!” twist (Virginia/Dakota), a submarine armed with A-bombs, Daniel’s here-today-gone-tomorrow dementia, Alicia’s death, Madison’s resurrection and more utterances of the word PADRE than you ever wanted to hear, Fear the Walking Dead at last lumbered across the finish line with Sunday’s double header. Did the first Walking Dead spinoff manage to get even sillier on its way out? What do you think? Read on for all the gory details.
‘GUESS THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SHOW PEOPLE MERCY’ | “Fighting Like You” began with Troy and Tracy falling victims to a booby trap that left him impaled by a tree branch. Though walkers were approaching her dad, the girl went in search of help and — d’oh! — found Madison, who zip-tied her in the SWAT van and took off to kill Troy. Instead, she only managed to put down Tracy’s mother Serena before Troy talked her into sparing him because only he knew where Russell was leading the herd.
Despite the urgency of the situation, Madison let Troy stop to bury Serena, whose death he considered Alicia’s fault because it was her altruism that had inspired his wife to try to help others — including the men who’d murdered her. (Got all that?) By and by, the nemeses wound up being apprehended by — s–t, again with the bird names! — Crane. No sooner had they escaped than Shrike’s brother hatcheted the rickety bridge they were crossing, thus dropping them in — why not? — quicksand.
‘PADRE’S BETTER OFF WITHOUT PEOPLE LIKE US’ | As Madison and Troy sank, she hollered loudly enough to attract walkers to eat Crane. Then, despite the fact that she and Troy were zip-tied together — and he had so recently been impaled — he managed to save them. He even revealed the destination of the herd that Russell was leading so that it could be dispatched more quickly and easily than I do a bottle of wine. After all that, Madison fatally stabbed Troy with Alicia’s skeletal arm, only for him to turn around and reveal that Tracy wasn’t his and Serena’s daughter, he’d kidnapped her from her real mother — Alicia! (And next on The Young and the Restless… )
In “The Road Ahead,” Madison hilariously told the child whose father she’d just murdered before her eyes, “You don’t have to be afraid.” (You sure about that, lady?) Soon, they as well as Strand, Daniel and Luciana were holed up in Luciana’s garage with walkers beating down the doors for a tune-up. At the same time, Russell ferried the herd to PADRE and turned it loose. Troy’s followers would lead the walkers away, though, Russell said, if Madison turned over Tracy. To sweeten the offer, he tempted Madison by disclosing that while Troy had left Alicia for dead, he hadn’t actually seen her die.
‘IT CAN’T END LIKE THIS’ | Without an agreement reached, Russell & Co. launched grenades at PADRE’s walls, leaving Strand so fearful for his family’s safety that he let the walkers into the garage and simply hoped against hope that he, Madison, etc., could fight them off. (Being series regulars, they did just that.) Then, with the clock ticking, Strand stopped to argue with Daniel. Meanwhile, evacuating PADRE’s occupants through the woods, Dwight fed Russell to walkers. Which begged the question, who the hell even was Russell? Were we supposed to care one way or the other… like, at all?
Though the PADRE gang couldn’t make it to the dock to flee, Madison refused to ride to the rescue. She was determined to go find Alicia, or a reanimated Alicia, or… whatever. In full-on dark mode, Madison shared with Tracy that she’d killed her own abusive father. Perhaps just to shut up her newfound grandmother, Tracy shot her. The following day, Tracy put down her walkerfied father and, for “reasons,” let Strand talk her ear off. The topic? How Madison had survived being shot from inches away — thanks, St. Christopher’s medallion! — and had gone on to die saving everybody the same way that she had in Season 4.
‘LET’S GO HOME’ | Sorry, did I type die? I meant “die.” Once again, Madison cheated death. Superkid Tracy had spent half a day digging her out of the rubble of PADRE and dragging her to safety. Why, after Madison had murdered Troy in cold blood? “You’re the only family I have left,” said the moppet. (Make. It. Stop.) Just then — shocker — who should turn up but Alicia, alive and well and, for good measure, carrying around Skidmark to return the cat to Daniel. After mother and daughter reunited with all the emotional resonance that accompanies me getting my favorite grocery-store cashier, Madison reintroduced Alicia to her baby girl. Only Alicia had never had a kid. Oooh — Troy had lied so that Madison would protect Tracy as fiercely as she had Alicia and Nick.
As the episode and the series finally called it a day, our protagonists took off in different directions. (Please, God, no spinoffs.) June was accompanied on her return to John’s cabin by Dove/Odessa, who was eager to learn medicine. Dwight and Sherry decided to try to turn the Sanctuary into a real sanctuary. Daniel reunited with Skidmark, though Alicia didn’t let on that it was she who had brought them back together (or that she was alive). Madison left telltale bluebonnets for Strand, who glimpsed her, Alicia and Tracy in the distance as he, Frank and Klaus forged forward with their lives. And as for Madison and Alicia, they were going to return to L.A. with a freshly orphaned Tracy and a can of Nick’s remains to see who they could “help” there.
Heaven help us, it’s over. While I try to figure out WTH we just watched, you go ahead and grade the finale in the poll below, then hit the comments with the moments that left you going, “Seriously?”